The Funeral Service

Things you should know before you go:

The Funeral Service
By Andrew Hodges
July 2006

This article will cover some thoughts about how to plan a funeral along with a few reasons for having one.

Every funeral, though all based on death, is different. Funerals are influenced by culture, religion, history, environment and the individual. Therefore, what happens at a funeral depends on who is involved. When I am asked "what makes a good funeral," my answer is that if everyone involved takes an active role, then the result will be meaningful. People involved include the deceased (if they helped pre-plan their own funeral), their family, clergy, friends, funeral director and funeral home staff, media, florists, musicians, caterers, church staff, cemetery staff, municipal staff, health care workers and the community at large. If everyone works together with open communication in handling the smaller details, then the big picture takes care of itself.

The purpose of a funeral can be to help confirm the reality and finality of death. It provides a climate for mourning, allowing the sorrows of one to become the sorrows of many so that people can support each other. A funeral encourages the affirmation of faith and celebrates life. As the visitation period gives the opportunity for more one-on-one support, the funeral service is a time for a group of people to come together and listen to a focused message of how that person's life, no matter how long, influenced the people around them and continues to do so through memories. That message is conveyed not only in eulogies, but also through familiar prayers, music and silence.

The planning of the funeral may start before the death even occurs. Someone in a family may bring up the topic, either about their own funeral or someone else's. When it gets down to it, most people have an idea of what they want. Those ideas are sometimes influences by what people have experienced with previous funerals: "I really thought it was nice," or "I didn't like what happened at so and so's funeral," for example. From there, a funeral director may be approached to help in the planning by allowing the family to focus on specific details of the funeral such as: the type of funeral, place and time, and who to involve. The clergy is the next person to be involved. People sometimes ask "Does a clergy member have to officiate a funeral?" The answer is no. But it is important to keep in mind that, regardless of whether the person or family attends church regularly, every organized religion in the world strongly focuses on how to live a good life and prepare for the afterlife. There is a familiar, comforting language with religion and clergy can play a special role in conveying that message. I have always been impressed with abilities of clergy, regardless if they knew the person or not, in finding an underlying theme in people's lives that is cause for celebration.

When the clergy is involved, it is important for whoever is responsible for arranging the funeral to take time to discuss what is going to happen at the funeral. It is best when families sit down with clergy prior to the funeral to talk because it gives everyone a chance to reminisce about the person and share their feelings, request certain music or readings, let the clergy know if anyone will be speaking, by doing a eulogy or reading a poem, prayer or performing music.

The organization of the funeral is usually entrusted to a funeral director because they are trained to do so. However, if there are certain things that the family wishes to do, such as personally ask the church organist to be involved, they are more then welcome to do so. Some people appreciate taking an active role in planning, but it is important to not take on too much on as the emotions that accompany death are exhausting. If you are the person responsible for arrangements it is OK to let the people around you help.

There are many choices that can be made when planning a funeral. Many of the decisions can carry a lot of emotional weight. Regardless of the type of service that takes place, all involved in the planning and implementation of the funeral need to play to their strengths - and learn to lean on each other for support and comfort.